Best man jokes

Here are a few best man jokes you can use for your best man's speech. Use them at your own risk!

  • "For a lot of people, marriage is a three-ring circus. You have the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."
  • "Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 10 grand."
  • "The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy." It did. She put it on the bedroom doorknob after he went out."
  • "Sorry I cannot be at the Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted." (to be read out amongst announcements of those that couldn't be present)
  • "Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished."
  • "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

Golden rules for the best man's speech:

  • You aren't the star of the show. Keep it short and sweet. 5 minutes is probably ideal.
  • Speak slowly.
  • Practice the speech out loud a few times, either to friends or in an empty room. This can make a huge difference to how well you deliver it.
  • Make sure you say at least 2 nice things about the groom for every joke you make at his expense.
  • Don't even think about saying anything negative about the bride.
  • If in doubt, leave it out.
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